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26 June 2011 @ 04:08 am
personal lamery, feel free to ignore  

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Seriously. I feel like someone forgot to hand me the manual on life. Or at least a general how-to guide. I feel like I'm completely wasting my life and ten years from now I'm going to wish I went out more or did something other than sit online all day, ever day...not that I have any means to go out since I have no job, no car, no friends with cars.

On top of that, I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. I've always had a major problem fitting in. Even when I finally made a group of friends my senior year of high school, I always felt like I was on the edge of them. I feel like an outsider in practically everything. Online in RP, in the cosplay world, the few times I'm with friends, even in my family.

Now more than ever, I wish I had the means to move out. I have nothing in common with anybody in my family. I found out recently that my dad doesn't even really like talking to me because I only talk about stuff I like. How the hell am I supposed to talk to him when all he does is grunt or something when I ask him stuff? My stepmother's an ass and my stepsister's an even worse sponge than I am. My sister's the only one in my family I like being around, and that's because she understands when I need to be alone and can relate to this family lamery. And she doesn't care if I leave cosplay crap sitting around for a little while and isn't all OMG PUT IT AWAY RIGHT NOW OR THE WORLD WILL IMPLODE.

But even so...I just feel incredibly alone. Even online - I'm stupidly shy about IMing people to start conversations, so sometimes I don't talk to someone even when I want to. And other times, everything I think of to say sounds stupid, so I don't say anything and it lapses into silence. I can't remember the last time I saw a friend and we did something fun that wasn't job-hunting related. The high point of my day is playing LBP with Zee and talking to her later on. I have pretty much nothing else to look forward to.

What's sick is that even if I had friends lavishing attention on me constantly, it probably wouldn't be enough. I've been alone for so long that once someone pays attention to me, I latch onto it and probably scare them away. I could say that I haven't scared off Bouncy yet, but I haven't talked to her properly in months, so I guess that remains to be seen.

I hate feeling like I don't have anything in common with anybody. I hate that I'm too weird/socially awkward to keep friends because I have no idea what to do or say. I hate feeling like I'm starved for affection and I'll be forever alone since I'm so weird. I hate that I'm genuinely so down on myself that when someone compliments me, it feels like they're making fun of me or they're humoring me, but I revel in it and want to hear it over and over like I'll never hear anything positive about myself again.

I just...I want to live my life. I feel like I've been stuck in a rut for the past five years. The occasional convention/new video game/trip to Orlando will distract me for a little while until I settle back into a rut and I feverishly look forward to that new thing that will distract me from every single day being exactly the same.

People think I'm exaggerating when I say that, but it's true. I get up, shower, do the same thing in the same order online for about an hour, game for a few hours, stay online until 4am, and game for an hour or so before getting to sleep and waking up to do it all over again. Almost every day I'm physically around the exact same depressing people that wonder why I'm addicted to the internet. Maybe because the internet gives me some kind of change in my life, even just a little.

Bah. I feel lame since I rarely update anymore due to being distracted by tumblrweeds and this post is allllll over the place, but my head's about to explode and I guess I had to get it out somehow.

Current Mood: pessimisticpessimistic
Current Music: Ragnarok//FFXIII OST
Sam: reno/elena kiss by chocofeatherglittersavvy on June 26th, 2011 11:44 pm (UTC)
this is loooooong
I felt just the same way as you a few years back. I basically failed school. Did my GCSE exams at 16, got UTTERLY bad grades, and so I couldn't go to college to study English Lit and Film like I planned. And since I didn't go to college, I also couldn't go to university. I could have retaken my exams or whatever, but I decided to just get a job [I'm not stupid, but I'm lazy as hell and not academic in the slightest]. It took me YEARS to get a job because I suffered badly from depression and an eating disorder. I had no friends [everyone had gone off to college and we lost touch] and I barely left the house, the internet was my whole life.

When I did finally get a job, I still had no social life... and I still spent every non-work moment online. It happens to more of us than you think. Now basically, I got depressed even more about not having any RL friends and I really wanted to move out from home. I was actually planning to, but then I forced myself to go out and try and make friends [at a goth meet]. I utterly failed to gel with anyone, but I DID meet someone on the meetup forum, who I had more in common with, and I added his LJ and we decided to meet in person. That guy is now my husband, and when we were dating I basically stole all HIS friends. He helped me become more social and confident and we've also met new friends together. I'm still antisocial sometimes, I still love LJ and reading/writing fanfic and everything, and I am a TOTAL geek.

Anyway, sorry if that made you feel even worse or whatever... my point was that you're not a loser, this is actually pretty common amongst twentysomethings these days, and the internet can sometimes be an enabler of life, rather than the other way round... I wouldn't have met my husband otherwise. I also have a bunch of RL friends I met on the internet who I consider closer to me than non-internet people I've known my whole life.

I always used to feel like shit because everyone I knew here in the UK was going to uni/at uni, or had graduated from uni... and I never did any of that, and it's THE THING to do in this country, the first thing people ask you is what you studied at uni. So if there really was a manual on life, I didn't get it either.

I also get the socially awkward thing even with people I hang out with now... I worry about saying/doing the wrong thing and if people secretly hate me [this is due to problems I had with old friends who we have since fallen out with].

Things will change for you, and you will 'live your life' as you put it. I think you just need to break it all down into tiny steps. Figure out what you want out of life, then make the steps to get it.

And I definitely don't think you're lame, because I would never have friended you otherwise ^_~
Samglittersavvy on June 26th, 2011 11:45 pm (UTC)
Re: this is loooooong
SO LONGGGGGGGG! My sob story is truly epic! Sorry XD