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26 June 2011 @ 04:08 am
personal lamery, feel free to ignore  

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Seriously. I feel like someone forgot to hand me the manual on life. Or at least a general how-to guide. I feel like I'm completely wasting my life and ten years from now I'm going to wish I went out more or did something other than sit online all day, ever day...not that I have any means to go out since I have no job, no car, no friends with cars.

On top of that, I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. I've always had a major problem fitting in. Even when I finally made a group of friends my senior year of high school, I always felt like I was on the edge of them. I feel like an outsider in practically everything. Online in RP, in the cosplay world, the few times I'm with friends, even in my family.

Now more than ever, I wish I had the means to move out. I have nothing in common with anybody in my family. I found out recently that my dad doesn't even really like talking to me because I only talk about stuff I like. How the hell am I supposed to talk to him when all he does is grunt or something when I ask him stuff? My stepmother's an ass and my stepsister's an even worse sponge than I am. My sister's the only one in my family I like being around, and that's because she understands when I need to be alone and can relate to this family lamery. And she doesn't care if I leave cosplay crap sitting around for a little while and isn't all OMG PUT IT AWAY RIGHT NOW OR THE WORLD WILL IMPLODE.

But even so...I just feel incredibly alone. Even online - I'm stupidly shy about IMing people to start conversations, so sometimes I don't talk to someone even when I want to. And other times, everything I think of to say sounds stupid, so I don't say anything and it lapses into silence. I can't remember the last time I saw a friend and we did something fun that wasn't job-hunting related. The high point of my day is playing LBP with Zee and talking to her later on. I have pretty much nothing else to look forward to.

What's sick is that even if I had friends lavishing attention on me constantly, it probably wouldn't be enough. I've been alone for so long that once someone pays attention to me, I latch onto it and probably scare them away. I could say that I haven't scared off Bouncy yet, but I haven't talked to her properly in months, so I guess that remains to be seen.

I hate feeling like I don't have anything in common with anybody. I hate that I'm too weird/socially awkward to keep friends because I have no idea what to do or say. I hate feeling like I'm starved for affection and I'll be forever alone since I'm so weird. I hate that I'm genuinely so down on myself that when someone compliments me, it feels like they're making fun of me or they're humoring me, but I revel in it and want to hear it over and over like I'll never hear anything positive about myself again.

I just...I want to live my life. I feel like I've been stuck in a rut for the past five years. The occasional convention/new video game/trip to Orlando will distract me for a little while until I settle back into a rut and I feverishly look forward to that new thing that will distract me from every single day being exactly the same.

People think I'm exaggerating when I say that, but it's true. I get up, shower, do the same thing in the same order online for about an hour, game for a few hours, stay online until 4am, and game for an hour or so before getting to sleep and waking up to do it all over again. Almost every day I'm physically around the exact same depressing people that wonder why I'm addicted to the internet. Maybe because the internet gives me some kind of change in my life, even just a little.

Bah. I feel lame since I rarely update anymore due to being distracted by tumblrweeds and this post is allllll over the place, but my head's about to explode and I guess I had to get it out somehow.

Current Mood: pessimisticpessimistic
Current Music: Ragnarok//FFXIII OST
Misu: DGM-Didn't know I'd love you so muchmako_pretty on June 26th, 2011 09:03 am (UTC)
I wish that we could all get a manual on life. I kinda need one right now too. I'm sorry that you're feeling that way, though.
樱樱美代子: AerisSmilefantasia0829 on June 26th, 2011 09:09 am (UTC)
Same here. Kinda. ^_^;; I'm actually really terrible at social situations, but it's not obvious online because I write better than I speak. I tend to speak too fast for my mouth to catch up, so I stutter quite frequently. And then when I stop stuttering, I realise I don't really know what to say.

But over the last few years, I've learned that if I don't know what to say, it helps to ask questions instead so other people will talk and I can add on to their answers and slowly make conversation. Maybe this could help?

As for jobs... aren't you pretty good with your hands? Why don't you set up a store on Etsy? It wouldn't be a full-time job, but it's a way to earn some money so you could go out more. :)

I think you just need to leave the house (and the internet) more, and you'll feel better already. :D
young and reckless: MISFITS || i found the cure to growingmybabyangel on June 26th, 2011 09:34 am (UTC)

Honestly, I so understand where you're coming from. My first couple of years of uni, I just felt like I was in such a rut. I felt like I was doing the same shit every day, and I felt isolated from my friends, and I just... I don't even know. But things got better for me, and I'm sure they'll get better for you too. I just hope it's soon. *hugs*
Yuri Tachikawa: No Escape Nowkittyyuri on June 26th, 2011 10:24 am (UTC)
Thankfully I get along well with my family, so I have no real issues there but as far as everything else? Yeah I TOTALLY feel you there hun.

I hate being such a sponge but adjkflj why don't good jobs grow on trees and not require 38957 years of experience? ;^; Reading fanfic, browsing tumblr, etc should be paid jobs, I would totally be down with that considering that's like, well, my entire life. XDD

I'm sorry I don't really know what to say to make you feel better but *HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS* you are a totally awesome person and you're made of sparkly shiny win. You may not feel like it today, but it's still there~ <3333
you know it's getting boring, right?aurons_fan on June 26th, 2011 05:12 pm (UTC)
I will post a better comment when i can get to a computer.
you know it's getting boring, right?: Axel [Whee!]aurons_fan on June 27th, 2011 02:54 am (UTC)
Okay. FIRST OFF *so many huggles* But afterwards, I have so much word on the socially awkward part. It was so bad in high school that most of my friends quickly became my boyfriends' friends and when we broke up I lost a lot of friends. So I had to learn how to make friends and quickly and honestly it just wasn't worth it.

AND THEN omg. Last year was so awkward. Because when you're socially awkward and that socially awkward response is to talk to a lot of people, you're know as that awkward person who talks to a lot of people.

So what I just said hasn't helped, just me rambling.

Basically, I love you a ton. It is incredibly hard for a lot of people to meet others/talk to others so you're totally not alone. Just, I dunno. Make random conversation. A lot of times, I've learned that if people aren't talking to you, sometimes, they want to but don't know what to say.

Jobs don't grow on trees so good luck! But I echo what fantasia said - You do make some awesome things (I still get complements on my heartless earrings, btw. <3) it may not be a lot of money, but maybe it could be a start.

ALSO AS I RAMBLE. on the topic of talking with your dad. I don't know how my rambling helps, but I have had a lot of problems talking with my dad recently because we just have nothing in common. Evar. And since he's unemployed, he's always home and always around. So I decided to FORCE MY FANDOM ONTO HIM - okay that's a lie. Basically, we found a middle ground. Like, he loves Sherlock Holmes, I was watching the new Sherlock show, so we watched an episode together. Or a movie that I know he likes and I've never seen. Or he wanted to go to the movies and I wanted to see the glory that is X-Men first class.
Basically just find something that you can both possibly like. I mean, it doesn't have to be for the same reason (Dad: likes Sherlock Holmes because of his sleuthing. Brie: The slash), but it is something that we both can talk about and is rare.

also I LOVE YOU and YOU'RE NOT LAME. <3 I've known you for a zillion years (actually I have no idea how long. OH MYYYY) and if I lived closer, I'd visit you every day.
but I <3333 you and I hope things look up and I still <3 you.

Sam: reno/elena kiss by chocofeatherglittersavvy on June 26th, 2011 11:44 pm (UTC)
this is loooooong
I felt just the same way as you a few years back. I basically failed school. Did my GCSE exams at 16, got UTTERLY bad grades, and so I couldn't go to college to study English Lit and Film like I planned. And since I didn't go to college, I also couldn't go to university. I could have retaken my exams or whatever, but I decided to just get a job [I'm not stupid, but I'm lazy as hell and not academic in the slightest]. It took me YEARS to get a job because I suffered badly from depression and an eating disorder. I had no friends [everyone had gone off to college and we lost touch] and I barely left the house, the internet was my whole life.

When I did finally get a job, I still had no social life... and I still spent every non-work moment online. It happens to more of us than you think. Now basically, I got depressed even more about not having any RL friends and I really wanted to move out from home. I was actually planning to, but then I forced myself to go out and try and make friends [at a goth meet]. I utterly failed to gel with anyone, but I DID meet someone on the meetup forum, who I had more in common with, and I added his LJ and we decided to meet in person. That guy is now my husband, and when we were dating I basically stole all HIS friends. He helped me become more social and confident and we've also met new friends together. I'm still antisocial sometimes, I still love LJ and reading/writing fanfic and everything, and I am a TOTAL geek.

Anyway, sorry if that made you feel even worse or whatever... my point was that you're not a loser, this is actually pretty common amongst twentysomethings these days, and the internet can sometimes be an enabler of life, rather than the other way round... I wouldn't have met my husband otherwise. I also have a bunch of RL friends I met on the internet who I consider closer to me than non-internet people I've known my whole life.

I always used to feel like shit because everyone I knew here in the UK was going to uni/at uni, or had graduated from uni... and I never did any of that, and it's THE THING to do in this country, the first thing people ask you is what you studied at uni. So if there really was a manual on life, I didn't get it either.

I also get the socially awkward thing even with people I hang out with now... I worry about saying/doing the wrong thing and if people secretly hate me [this is due to problems I had with old friends who we have since fallen out with].

Things will change for you, and you will 'live your life' as you put it. I think you just need to break it all down into tiny steps. Figure out what you want out of life, then make the steps to get it.

And I definitely don't think you're lame, because I would never have friended you otherwise ^_~
Samglittersavvy on June 26th, 2011 11:45 pm (UTC)
Re: this is loooooong
SO LONGGGGGGGG! My sob story is truly epic! Sorry XD
Willow: tackle-glompmooglephish on June 28th, 2011 03:59 pm (UTC)
I know I'm awful at staying up to date with blog posts and that I don't always reply to your personal ones, but I read them.

I'm not always extremely talk-a-tive to people I admire.

You were one of the first people whose fanfiction I enjoyed reading, and you always had a plethora of positive comments. I thought: wow, this person is popular, creative and writes good one-shots. You're quite an 'internet guru', y'know, and your username is well known in the fanfic community. I can say, "I love RainbowSerenity" and 8 times out of 10 other people know who I'm talking about. When I was younger, I used to grovel to people like you. I admired your ability to inspire awe in other people. Now I'm a little older I'm OK with sitting back and throwing in the odd (and what feels like 'insignificant') comment.

It's a shock to hear you feel this lonely. I never would have suspected it. As I say, you're full of ideas, creativity and have drawn many internet people to you - many who seem happy to talk to you.

Perhaps you think I'm humouring you now, as you said you often suspect such a thing, but I genuinely want to let you know that I've always wanted to talk to you more. Be your friend. I guess I never tried because I didn't think I had a chance. I thought you had so many internet friends and probably didn't want someone new trying to wrangle their way in.

As for your life-style rut and wanting to move out, if you want something badly enough, you'll go get it. No giving up. :)

Love Willow
Cupcake: Soubi/Ritsuka / Hold Onageofdragons on July 5th, 2011 06:28 am (UTC)
I'm sorry things aren't working out right now. I totally get how you feel and, yes, this is a damn late reply. :|

If you need someone to vent to, I'm willing to be a sounding board! We should so talk more. :(

*gives hugs and talks in fancy English accent to cheer you up?*