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26 June 2011 @ 04:08 am
personal lamery, feel free to ignore  

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Seriously. I feel like someone forgot to hand me the manual on life. Or at least a general how-to guide. I feel like I'm completely wasting my life and ten years from now I'm going to wish I went out more or did something other than sit online all day, ever day...not that I have any means to go out since I have no job, no car, no friends with cars.

On top of that, I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. I've always had a major problem fitting in. Even when I finally made a group of friends my senior year of high school, I always felt like I was on the edge of them. I feel like an outsider in practically everything. Online in RP, in the cosplay world, the few times I'm with friends, even in my family.

Now more than ever, I wish I had the means to move out. I have nothing in common with anybody in my family. I found out recently that my dad doesn't even really like talking to me because I only talk about stuff I like. How the hell am I supposed to talk to him when all he does is grunt or something when I ask him stuff? My stepmother's an ass and my stepsister's an even worse sponge than I am. My sister's the only one in my family I like being around, and that's because she understands when I need to be alone and can relate to this family lamery. And she doesn't care if I leave cosplay crap sitting around for a little while and isn't all OMG PUT IT AWAY RIGHT NOW OR THE WORLD WILL IMPLODE.

But even so...I just feel incredibly alone. Even online - I'm stupidly shy about IMing people to start conversations, so sometimes I don't talk to someone even when I want to. And other times, everything I think of to say sounds stupid, so I don't say anything and it lapses into silence. I can't remember the last time I saw a friend and we did something fun that wasn't job-hunting related. The high point of my day is playing LBP with Zee and talking to her later on. I have pretty much nothing else to look forward to.

What's sick is that even if I had friends lavishing attention on me constantly, it probably wouldn't be enough. I've been alone for so long that once someone pays attention to me, I latch onto it and probably scare them away. I could say that I haven't scared off Bouncy yet, but I haven't talked to her properly in months, so I guess that remains to be seen.

I hate feeling like I don't have anything in common with anybody. I hate that I'm too weird/socially awkward to keep friends because I have no idea what to do or say. I hate feeling like I'm starved for affection and I'll be forever alone since I'm so weird. I hate that I'm genuinely so down on myself that when someone compliments me, it feels like they're making fun of me or they're humoring me, but I revel in it and want to hear it over and over like I'll never hear anything positive about myself again.

I just...I want to live my life. I feel like I've been stuck in a rut for the past five years. The occasional convention/new video game/trip to Orlando will distract me for a little while until I settle back into a rut and I feverishly look forward to that new thing that will distract me from every single day being exactly the same.

People think I'm exaggerating when I say that, but it's true. I get up, shower, do the same thing in the same order online for about an hour, game for a few hours, stay online until 4am, and game for an hour or so before getting to sleep and waking up to do it all over again. Almost every day I'm physically around the exact same depressing people that wonder why I'm addicted to the internet. Maybe because the internet gives me some kind of change in my life, even just a little.

Bah. I feel lame since I rarely update anymore due to being distracted by tumblrweeds and this post is allllll over the place, but my head's about to explode and I guess I had to get it out somehow.

Current Mood: pessimisticpessimistic
Current Music: Ragnarok//FFXIII OST
Misu: DGM-Didn't know I'd love you so muchmako_pretty on June 26th, 2011 09:03 am (UTC)
I wish that we could all get a manual on life. I kinda need one right now too. I'm sorry that you're feeling that way, though.